I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
