I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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