Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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