That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
