Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
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He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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