Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
