Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Be still, my beating vagina.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
