I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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