I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
