and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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