I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
