I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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