I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
