I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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