i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
