i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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