he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
