New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
