I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
