she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
