i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
