He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
