she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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