the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
