Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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