Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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