I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have fence marks all over my body
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize