I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
