I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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