got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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