and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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