No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
