my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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