he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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