I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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