I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
