um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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