Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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