Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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