I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
