I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
