so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
