I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
