Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
