Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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