the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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