People in love make me want to vomit
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
