I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
