The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
