she was so not down for the gang bang
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
only you would photoshop your dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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