sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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