I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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