i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
