had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
