I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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