Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
