I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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