a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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