Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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