And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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