So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
